My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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