oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
