ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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