So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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