"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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