My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
