Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
