I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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