Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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