Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
