you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
