i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sober January is a disaster.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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