I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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