it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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