positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We need a shit load of segways right now
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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