I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
