my phone needs a breathalizer
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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