If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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