are you so shy because you have an std?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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