You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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