fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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