I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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