remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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