the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
