Swine flu is the new snow day.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
