The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
