It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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