im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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