Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
