I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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