She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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