my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
