i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
