im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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