chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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