If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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