There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
