she was so not down for the gang bang
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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