Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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