He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
