I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
