not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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