It's Friday. Sex?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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