remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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