i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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