I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You may now shotgun with the bride
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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