Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
