You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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