Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
