The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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