so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
