Need sex. Gaining weight.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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