I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
