a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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