dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
