I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
