my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
