It was confusing and full of hummus
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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