I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
