omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
