Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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