Please, let me fuck your mom
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
